"They say the definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different result..."
Madness is pretty much the definition of my life the past two weeks. This is the two week point from when Chris and I broke up and I can confidently say that I have done some pretty crazy, irrational, stupid, out of line and outrageous things. What is the one thing it was all routed on? My deep feelings for Chris and the hopefulness that he would take me back.
Desperation and clinginess have been my second names these past two weeks. I am not proud of the things I have done to get Chris's and others (like family and friends') attention(s). In addition, I am well aware that my emotional roller coaster ride has driven many people (besides Chris) absolutely nuts. Although I know my family and friends will always be there for me, how long should they listen to me complain and long after Chris and getting him back?
For this reason, I have decided to surrender. I have given into my feelings of despair and recognized that they are normal. What I can do from here is maintain a positive attitude and look at this as letting Chris go in hopes that he finds true happiness in life. This is one of the hardest things possible to do and live out on a daily basis. There are times that I long for him back in my life, but I realize that if we are truly meant to be, time will serve its purpose.
I definitely feel that all this will make me a stronger person. It already has- and for that I am thankful.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Words of Enlightenment
As I am left to deal with my emotions, I have made time for myself to reflect but also I have been spending lots of time with friends to support me through this tough time. Chris originally wanted a two week break to decide if we should stay together or not. At first I was all down for it because I really love him and want to do whatever it takes to make it work. But then I realized that breaks usually never end well, and if he really loves me and cares about me, he should want to work out our issues together and not have a two week break to toy with my emotions. One of my new found friends, whose name is anonymous gave me some break through advice that really opened my eyes and gave me a new perspective on my situation:
"I would say there is no way I would let some guy break with me, for a short time, to explore other stuff and then have me take him back. To me that is basically saying that your feelings, love, and time invested do not matter. It would be bull shit for me to say oh Laura, you will find someone. Or you will get over it. Meaning the typical bs ppl say. Will you meet someone else down the road? Of course."
As I read these harsh words, they became more real to me. How could Chris give up on our relationship three weeks into my arrival from Europe after spending eight months abroad? And even worse, how did he not have the balls to break up with me in person instead of a measly phone call? Relationships take work. Hard work. I agree that the state of our relationship was not perfect, but I was hoping that we could work on our problems together and support one another even if we may fall short sometimes. Perhaps he just isn't ready for a serious relationship. Either way, I have closure because I know I did everything I could to let him know that I love him and am willing to work together to be in a healthy, loving, and committed relationship. I deserve someone who feels the same way. Plain and simple.
"I would say there is no way I would let some guy break with me, for a short time, to explore other stuff and then have me take him back. To me that is basically saying that your feelings, love, and time invested do not matter. It would be bull shit for me to say oh Laura, you will find someone. Or you will get over it. Meaning the typical bs ppl say. Will you meet someone else down the road? Of course."
As I read these harsh words, they became more real to me. How could Chris give up on our relationship three weeks into my arrival from Europe after spending eight months abroad? And even worse, how did he not have the balls to break up with me in person instead of a measly phone call? Relationships take work. Hard work. I agree that the state of our relationship was not perfect, but I was hoping that we could work on our problems together and support one another even if we may fall short sometimes. Perhaps he just isn't ready for a serious relationship. Either way, I have closure because I know I did everything I could to let him know that I love him and am willing to work together to be in a healthy, loving, and committed relationship. I deserve someone who feels the same way. Plain and simple.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Emotional heartbreak
So I started to write a new blog... more honest, more real, and more provoking than anything I have ever written. You are about to embark on some of the most personal areas of my life. I may write some depressing things, but there will also will times when I write about complete joy and happiness that has taken place in my life.
Right now I am going through a very challenging time in my life. My boyfriend of over nine months, Chris, broke up with me and completely broke my heart. What do you do from here? I have never been in this position before. I have always been the "heart breaker" in my relationships and I have never been "dumped". The emotions I feel right now are so overwhelming and there are times when all I can do is surrender and subject myself to the pain that is so evidently real.
Chris and I were unique in that we only dated three and a half weeks before we decided to take a chance and stay together while I went abroad for 8 months. We barely knew each other, yet we knew we had a connection unlike any other. Things were rocky in the beginning but slowly we began to know each other and grow just by exchanging of emails, texts, and skype phone calls. My international phone bill was outrageous, but this was just one sacrifice that I was willing to make for my lover. I had a hard time adjusting to the Italian culture, but Chris stuck by me and gave me great advice. He completely supported me and let me do my own thing while I was off traveling and experiencing new things. I loved this about him- he was not the controlling and possessive type of boyfriend that I had been used to with past boyfriends. He was caring, loving, and sweet- but understanding in a way that mature and selfless. He visited in February despite financial troubles and we had an amazing time together and we pretty much picked up where we left off in August. We went to Barcelona as well and had such a great time together. I truly loved him and was so happy to be with him despite my personal struggles...
As time went by I started to become more and more homesick and I often took out my stress on Chris. I almost always immediately apologized but I continued to take out my frustration on him and used him almost as a "punching bag" to take out my feelings. Although hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, it was the easy way out and I didn't know how to escape my current state of mind. I tried blogging and talking with friends and family, but this personal issue was one that became progressively more hard to deal with and I was spiraling out of control.
I must say I DO NOT regret dating Chris while I was abroad and I DO NOT regret going abroad for an entire year. But the trials and tribulations that I went through were so immense that I often wonder, "how did I stick with it?" I guess it's a true testimony of my character- although I was down a lot, I aimed to stay positive as much as I could and I knew that being in Europe for eight months was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What happened with Chris exactly? I cannot really pinpoint where we went "wrong", but I have a feeling that it was expectations of a nearly "perfect" relationship once I returned home. Chris knew that I was so happy to come home, and I think that we both fooled ourselves into believing that all my stress and problems would melt away once I stepped foot on American soil. Although I felt extreme euphoric feelings of happiness once I arrived in Seattle, I knew that I had a lot of reverse adjusting to do... known as "reverse culture shock."
I would like to say that I have enjoyed "reverse culture shock," because I really missed America and all that was in it (friends, family, boyfriend, etc) but it was harder than I thought to come home to a land that is completely different than Italy and Europe in general. The first week or so was seemingly perfect- I ate to my heart's content of all the American food that I missed, caught up on music and movies that I had missed out on, and spent a lot of time with Chris and my good friends that were desperate to hear about my adventures abroad.
I noticed that my patterns of taking out my "stress" were affecting my relationship with Chris. I began to become extremely irritable for no reason, and I became a person around him at times that I hated. I was rude, inconsiderate, and unloving- and again, every time that I had done something mean, I almost immediately said sorry... Chris forgave me because he loved me, but I was slowly pushing him away without knowing it.
I wish I could take back everything I have said to Chris that was hurtful... I wish I could say that if we got back together everything would be perfect and that I could change into a person that he wants me to be. I really love Chris and I am willing to do what it takes to make it work, but at this point in his life ,I think that he needs time to figure things out on his own and have time to further figure out what he wants. I want to be selfish and snatch him back, but when you really love someone, you have to do what's best for them. I cannot force Chris into getting back together with me, but I can just remain hopeful. I know what I need to do to make the relationship work, but is he willing to give me one more chance? The hope is dwindling...
Chris if you are reading this, I still love you and will always have a piece in my heart. You have taught me the importance of treating those that you love with ultimate respect and kindness even if I am going through a tough period in my life. I hope that one day you can give us another chance.
Right now I am going through a very challenging time in my life. My boyfriend of over nine months, Chris, broke up with me and completely broke my heart. What do you do from here? I have never been in this position before. I have always been the "heart breaker" in my relationships and I have never been "dumped". The emotions I feel right now are so overwhelming and there are times when all I can do is surrender and subject myself to the pain that is so evidently real.
Chris and I were unique in that we only dated three and a half weeks before we decided to take a chance and stay together while I went abroad for 8 months. We barely knew each other, yet we knew we had a connection unlike any other. Things were rocky in the beginning but slowly we began to know each other and grow just by exchanging of emails, texts, and skype phone calls. My international phone bill was outrageous, but this was just one sacrifice that I was willing to make for my lover. I had a hard time adjusting to the Italian culture, but Chris stuck by me and gave me great advice. He completely supported me and let me do my own thing while I was off traveling and experiencing new things. I loved this about him- he was not the controlling and possessive type of boyfriend that I had been used to with past boyfriends. He was caring, loving, and sweet- but understanding in a way that mature and selfless. He visited in February despite financial troubles and we had an amazing time together and we pretty much picked up where we left off in August. We went to Barcelona as well and had such a great time together. I truly loved him and was so happy to be with him despite my personal struggles...
As time went by I started to become more and more homesick and I often took out my stress on Chris. I almost always immediately apologized but I continued to take out my frustration on him and used him almost as a "punching bag" to take out my feelings. Although hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do, it was the easy way out and I didn't know how to escape my current state of mind. I tried blogging and talking with friends and family, but this personal issue was one that became progressively more hard to deal with and I was spiraling out of control.
I must say I DO NOT regret dating Chris while I was abroad and I DO NOT regret going abroad for an entire year. But the trials and tribulations that I went through were so immense that I often wonder, "how did I stick with it?" I guess it's a true testimony of my character- although I was down a lot, I aimed to stay positive as much as I could and I knew that being in Europe for eight months was truly a once in a lifetime opportunity.
What happened with Chris exactly? I cannot really pinpoint where we went "wrong", but I have a feeling that it was expectations of a nearly "perfect" relationship once I returned home. Chris knew that I was so happy to come home, and I think that we both fooled ourselves into believing that all my stress and problems would melt away once I stepped foot on American soil. Although I felt extreme euphoric feelings of happiness once I arrived in Seattle, I knew that I had a lot of reverse adjusting to do... known as "reverse culture shock."
I would like to say that I have enjoyed "reverse culture shock," because I really missed America and all that was in it (friends, family, boyfriend, etc) but it was harder than I thought to come home to a land that is completely different than Italy and Europe in general. The first week or so was seemingly perfect- I ate to my heart's content of all the American food that I missed, caught up on music and movies that I had missed out on, and spent a lot of time with Chris and my good friends that were desperate to hear about my adventures abroad.
I noticed that my patterns of taking out my "stress" were affecting my relationship with Chris. I began to become extremely irritable for no reason, and I became a person around him at times that I hated. I was rude, inconsiderate, and unloving- and again, every time that I had done something mean, I almost immediately said sorry... Chris forgave me because he loved me, but I was slowly pushing him away without knowing it.
I wish I could take back everything I have said to Chris that was hurtful... I wish I could say that if we got back together everything would be perfect and that I could change into a person that he wants me to be. I really love Chris and I am willing to do what it takes to make it work, but at this point in his life ,I think that he needs time to figure things out on his own and have time to further figure out what he wants. I want to be selfish and snatch him back, but when you really love someone, you have to do what's best for them. I cannot force Chris into getting back together with me, but I can just remain hopeful. I know what I need to do to make the relationship work, but is he willing to give me one more chance? The hope is dwindling...
Chris if you are reading this, I still love you and will always have a piece in my heart. You have taught me the importance of treating those that you love with ultimate respect and kindness even if I am going through a tough period in my life. I hope that one day you can give us another chance.
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